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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 9, 2007 21:15:36 GMT -5
=When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight=
I just had to do that, didn't I? Couldn't have just let it lie, had to poke at it until it burst and started to fester. Alright, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but there was still a sense of frustration with myself. I wasn't always in control, and I understood that. There were times when I wish I could just kill myself and hide in a cave forever.
A long time. I've had it since I was five.
I replied coolly, pushing my hands into my pockets and resisting the urge to look at the mark. This probably had been a bad idea from the start, but I just couldn't walk away now.
But what about you? I answered your questions, shouldn't you answer mine?
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Ailiana (Onora)
Queen's Army
Lord of All That is Fuzzy
Remember to never eat a Hooblesnorflessness.
Posts: 244
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Post by Ailiana (Onora) on Jan 9, 2007 21:25:11 GMT -5
Obscure. Very obscure. Instead of trying to ponder out his reply, I chew on his question. Probably so, yes, I was obligated to answer his own questions for me. It would have been common courtesy. "No, not really," I said instead, contradicting my thoughts, shrugging.
I had a feeling he was going to ask anyway.
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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 9, 2007 21:35:27 GMT -5
=Things aren't the way they were before, you would even recognize me anymore.= =Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end=
Oh, ok. Tell me about yourself, then.
I said anyway, smiling at her. When I was younger I used to have a crooked grin, and a devilish look in my eye when ever the smile appeared. I still had the grin, and the eyes, but didn't have the same feeling when all you saw were the eyes. In fact, it crept some people out.
=I tried so hard, and got so far= =But in the end it doesn't even matter=
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Ailiana (Onora)
Queen's Army
Lord of All That is Fuzzy
Remember to never eat a Hooblesnorflessness.
Posts: 244
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Post by Ailiana (Onora) on Jan 9, 2007 21:44:54 GMT -5
There was a look in his eyes that hinted he was smiling. I liked to analyze people, and it was what helped me know who to stay away from and who to grow closer to. Something you just naturally needed to know when you worked for Rutherford. But with this man, I couldn't do that. I was completely out of my element.
What was I supposed to say? "I like to paint," I began. I'm a horrible singer. I was-- am an only child. I don't like liars. Or being left out of the loop. I like knowing who people are."
There was a certain emphasis I hoped he caught on my last sentence.
"Your turn. What are you like?"
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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 9, 2007 22:01:05 GMT -5
=Things aren't the way they were before, you would even recognize me anymore= =Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end=
Well, it wasn't what I had expected, but I could work with it. Or maybe not, what should I say? What things were important about me? What did I want to reveal?
Interesting. As far as I know I'm an only child, though I can't be certain about that. Um, I'm good with animals, mostly ones which can attack other people... And I'm afraid of blood, and a bit nervous around the color red in general.
I replied, pondering over it afterward and realizing it was a bit... odd sounding. So much for bot reveling much about myself. I always did suck at self-control, which made me wonder just how many people I am. Wow, that came out wrong.
=I tried so hard, and got so far= =But in the end it doesn't even matter=
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Ailiana (Onora)
Queen's Army
Lord of All That is Fuzzy
Remember to never eat a Hooblesnorflessness.
Posts: 244
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Post by Ailiana (Onora) on Jan 10, 2007 19:26:44 GMT -5
Afraid of blood? This 'tough guy' (I'll admit that I had had him stereotyped) was afraid of blood? Even I could handle blood. And I was the sort who grew up in her room, embroidering pillows and blankets. Why was he afraid of blood?
If I asked him that, though, he might poke me about something personal as well. Like my slip-up about how I didn't consider my family a family anymore since I ran away. I looked to the ground as I thought of the people I had left behind; had they ever been considered family? Licking my lips, I glanced up once more, trying to look composed while diluting the pitiful, abandoned look I knew creeped onto my face while these thoughts invaded.
"What kind of animals?" I enquired instead, shoving the topic away from fears and back to interests.
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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 10, 2007 21:32:21 GMT -5
=Things aren't the way they were before, you would even recognize me anymore= =Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end=
This girl had a knack for asking me questions I wasn't prepared for, and that in itself could have told be a lot about her. But it didn't, so I continued to wallow in my ignorance and grudgingly answer her questions. It was my fault, anyway.
Oh, uh, wolves, mostly. It kind of was just one animal.
I answered with a fake shrug, turning my eyes away from her for a moment. She also had a knack for picking the sensitive subjects, too.
My turn. What did you mean when you said you were an only child?
=I tried so hard, and got so far= =But in the end it doesn't even matter=
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Ailiana (Onora)
Queen's Army
Lord of All That is Fuzzy
Remember to never eat a Hooblesnorflessness.
Posts: 244
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Post by Ailiana (Onora) on Jan 11, 2007 18:03:17 GMT -5
And I had thought I had already swindled my way out of this consequence. Showed how much I knew. Once more, I stared at my bare feet, biting my lip apprehensively and returning my arms to my sides awkardly. "I, um, uh..."
Stuttering was all I managed for a few seconds. "I don't really have a family," I finally announced, looking up to lock his gaze with a challenging glare. "I ran away a while back. I haven't ever gone back and I never will." I didn't think he was the type to act concerned about this fact, wonder where my parents were, whether or not they were looking for me. It probably was safe to suppose he wasn't about to drag me around, trying to find my mother and returning me safely.
Now, though, it was my turn to be devious. "Why are you afraid of blood?"
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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 12, 2007 20:44:09 GMT -5
=Things aren't the way they were before, you would even recognize me anymore= =Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end=
I stared at her for a while, my eyes blank and mouth slightly open beneath the mask. Was she insane? She must have been, to not want to be with her family! How could she not want the love of a mother, the protection of a father? I knew my next questions for her now.
Coming back to reality I caught her own question aimed at me, and I let a low sigh escape. This information was coming at a cost, but I felt it was worth it now, to be able to see another point of view for once.
I didn't really want to answer her question in full, because then I would have to really think about it, so I decided I would give my reply quickly, and clearly. No mixing words, or digging into emotions.
I'm afraid of blood because when I was born my mother bled to death, because when my father killed himself, he stabbed himself before he hung himself, because when my Aunt died there was blood dripping from her finger tips, because when my friends were tortured to death they bled to death, and because every battle I fought ended with the men under me in bloody heaps.
That was clear and quick, right? I wasn't sure, and I didn't care, and I didn't want to think about it anymore. So I didn't, I pretended like she'd never even asked, and moved on.
But what about you? Why would you run away from your family?
I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. I'd never felt a mother's loving touch, and if this girl had betrayed such love for some idiotic, childish reason, I was afraid I might hurt her.
=I tried so hard, and got so far= =But in the end it doesn't even matter=
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Ailiana (Onora)
Queen's Army
Lord of All That is Fuzzy
Remember to never eat a Hooblesnorflessness.
Posts: 244
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Post by Ailiana (Onora) on Jan 13, 2007 20:52:15 GMT -5
I thought about apologizing for asking a question like that, but his own question reinstated my anger. Any sympathy I had felt for him distentigrated; he thought I was foolish for running away, that the entire situation started with idiotic fight I had had with my mother over going to some random ball or another childish reason.
"No one cared," I explained, a scowl on my face as I looked past him, my mind elsewhere. The way no one had held me, the lack of comfort I had recieved when word of my father's death had arrived. The odd, vacous feeling I had felt afterward; shouldn't I had felt sorrow? Instead, though, I felt nothing; it was as if my father hadn't died, rather a friend's cousin's friend's father. And then how my life became even more empty as my mother turned away, colder than ever, the familiar sight of her empty bed at night, her preoccupied eyes and mind.
"When my father died, my mother became obsessed with paying Rutherford back. She ignored me completely, wouldn't have cared if I threw myself over a cliff. I was just an interruption to the more important things in life." My voice was trailing off, but I affixed more confidence into my next statement. "She never told me she loved me."
Why had I said that? I hadn't even admitted that to myself before. But the deed was done; the revelation stated.
I continued, forcing the thoughts away. "So I ran away. As far as I know, no one's tried to find me." I had hovered close to 'home' for a month just in case; to no avail.
I strove to find a truly cruel question that would strike a tender chord in vicious retaliation. But I was all out. "What's your name?" I finally asked, my hard and defiant tone returned. Lame question. But it was one that was of importance.
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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 13, 2007 22:27:30 GMT -5
=Things aren't the way they were before, you would even recognize me anymore= =Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end=
I stood silently for a few moments, not feeling awkward like I imagined I should. Shouldn't I have felt guilty about prodding her, forcing her to explain her past to me? She'd said much more then I had in the end, and I understood then that we were similar, just like I had originally thought. We were both alone, with no hope of someone out there who cared. I think someone else would have pushed and prodded more, would have tried to convince her that her mother had loved her, or something like that, but I didn't want to. The anger had gone out of me now, and there was no reason to fuel the rage.
Kakashi, I'm called Kakashi. What about you?
I answered her, wishing more then anything that I could smile gently at her in that moment. All that could be seen were my pity filled eyes, and behind that my own sadness. It just wasn't the same. I'd always said the eyes were the window to your soul, but there was something in a smile which could calm even the darkest seas.
=I tried so hard, and got so far= =But in the end it doesn't even matter=
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Ailiana (Onora)
Queen's Army
Lord of All That is Fuzzy
Remember to never eat a Hooblesnorflessness.
Posts: 244
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Post by Ailiana (Onora) on Jan 14, 2007 13:26:57 GMT -5
And now here came the normal 'getting to know you' session. Where we talked about our secret desires, favorite animals, and what color we were partial to. Not exactly my favorite excercise, the conscious part of my mind grumbled as the unconscious was busy tossing out random memories, some painful, others cheery. Most unhappy, really.
As I managed to float back into the present, I saw the familiar look in his eyes. Pity. There were different kinds of pity; grandiose pity, minute pity that the person is embarrassed to show, and the sort where the speaker is really too busy to care more or less, but wants to care.
Once again, I saw this man--Kakashi, or whatever--was different.
His pity was... odd. It didn't fit into any of my categories. It wasn't anything like the guilt that made me angry, made me feel like a child who had only overreacted in an attempt for attention. His stare made me feel more justified.
"My name is Ailiana," I said, relaxing a bit. I could feel my face calm, become more pensive from it's previous stormy exterior. I had a feeling he wasn't going to shove me into an angry rage again, and felt more secure at the thought. Now that the truth about my family was out, it was no longer lingering in the air around me, smothering anything that might lighten my mood.
But I knew it would be back. An hour, half a day, till next morning if I was lucky, it didn't matter. It would come back.
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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 15, 2007 0:12:07 GMT -5
=Things aren't the way they were before, you would even recognize me anymore= =Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end=
I nodded, letting the conversation lapse into silence once more as I adverted my eyes to the sky. The bright, glorious colors had faded now, taking with it the dark crimson. They were just blue now, and some of the couples and families were starting to leave. They'd only come for the show, and now that things were rolling, they headed off to their normal lives. A few children splashed in the waves, a few pairs walked along the beach side, arms linked, and I saw it all from the corner of my eye. It felt like my view of the world, and with an uncertain feeling I dropped my head to look Ailiana in the eye again.
Do you want to take a walk?
I asked, happy to see her more relaxed. That's all I wanted it to be now, just idle chat between acquaintances. No rage, or sorrow, or any of those darker emotions to plague the morning sky. Just words, whether they have meaning or not, to float on the breeze.
=I tried so hard, and got so far= =But in the end it doesn't even matter=
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Ailiana (Onora)
Queen's Army
Lord of All That is Fuzzy
Remember to never eat a Hooblesnorflessness.
Posts: 244
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Post by Ailiana (Onora) on Jan 15, 2007 12:23:44 GMT -5
Did I? I thought over the suggestion. Yes, a walk sounded good. "Yeah, that sounds good," I said, offering a small smile before starting off, holding my hands in front of me as I fiddled with my fingernails. The sun was warming my side, and it gave me a fresh feeling; new day, another chance to do things right. I took a deep breath of the ripening air, feeling my mood lighten.
"So... why'd you come to Sienen?" I asked, figuring it would be a good start to a healthy conversation.
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Post by Daemon [Naryae] on Jan 15, 2007 21:45:04 GMT -5
=Things aren't the way they were before, you would even recognize me anymore= =Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end=
I walked beside her, focusing on her moving thumbs instead of her face. I focused on the intricate, yet random eaves they did, and for some unimaginable reason found it interesting.
Oh, I don't know. Just sounded like a good place to relax, I guess. What about you?
I replied with a shrug, moving as slowly as I could.
=I tried so hard, and got so far= =But in the end it doesn't even matter=
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